A History of My Crushes

Sempre tive uma tendência para paixonetas. A maior parte dos amigos dos meus irmãos mais velhos (inclusivamente, aos 8 anos, baptizei o meu cágado de Alfredo, em tributo a um amigo especialmente giro do meu irmão), tudo quanto é gajos da TV (quer dizer, não é bem assim), músicos, anónimos com quem me cruzo na rua, tipo, tanto faz. Ultimamente tenho-me debruçado sobre estas paixonetas platónicas que sempre tive. Começo pela primeira de que me lembro, que, possivelmente, é também a mais bizarra:

 I've always been prone to crushes. Most of my

 older brothers' friends (when I was about 8 I even named my pet turtle after a particularly cute one, Alfredo), all sorts of boys on tv, rockstars, random guy walking past, and it's not like I'm even picky. Well, lately I've been thinking about these impossibly platonic love addictions I've had throughout my life. Let me tell you about the earliest one, which is also possibly be the weirdest one:

 

 

Olhem só para ele! Olhos como duas grandes e redondas piscinas, cabelo de ouro, dentes perfeitinhos e brancos. Tão bonitinho. Deve ser Suíço, ou assim, e de certeza que fala praí 3 línguas e será certamente uma espécie superior de cidadão, de tão perfeito que é. Ou isso ou então o encanto está no facto de personificar os prazeres do chocolate - algo a sou particularmente sensível, digamos assim.

 Just look at Kinder boy here: eyes like two big, round swiming pools, tousled golden hair, beautiful white teeth. So pretty. He's probably Swiss or something, which means he's likely to be a native speaker of 3 languages and an all-round superior citizen. Either that or he personified the pleasures of chocolate - also an old favourite of your truly. 

Quando era miúda, era frequente ver os filmes de rapazes que os meus irmãos viam. Vi tudo o que era Bruce Lee (paixoneta), McGuyver, Van Damme (grande paixoneta), Rambo (demasiado italiano) e Schwarzenegger (blhec, aquelas veias nojentas nos braços). O Exterminador Implacável era um dos meus favoritos, em parte porque juntava duas coisas que me agradavam muito: o Edward Furlong (na foto) e o Axl Rose (aquela perseguição ao som da You Could Be Mine - jasuuuuusss!!). Aliás, assim começou a panca por homens de cabelo comprido (tópico a desenvolver mais adiante). 

At the time, I would often watch boy films with my brothers. I watched all the Bruce Lee films (had a crush on him too), McGuyver, Van Damme (major crush), Rambo (too italian) and Schwarzenegger (veiny arms, yuck) flicks too. Terminator was definitely my favourite, mainly because it brought together two of my biggest crushes ever - Edward Furlong AND Axl Rose. And this is also when my long-haired phase began. (more on this later)

Além disso, tinha mega-paixoneta pelo Robocop! É que o capacete tinha qualquer coisa de muito sexy, e o actor tinha uma boca gira, mas gira. Tão misterioso...!

I totally had the hots for Robocop. I thought his helmet was really sexy and he had purdy lips. So mysterious!

So, back to Axl Rose: 

Aqui o Axl marcou o início da minha grande panca pela coisa mais sexy de todas: talento. Nada como uma pessoa que é boa a fazer alguma coisa, e não importa se é cantar, contabilidade ou mudar pneus. É bom que concordem que este homem era um grandessíssimo borracho antes de se escavacar todo c'a droga. 

Axl Rose marked the beginning of my obssession with the sexiest thing of all - talent. Doing something well is still the most attractive thing in the world for me, whether it's singing, accounting or changing car tires. You have to agree with me here, he was HAWT before he wrecked that beautiful face and body of his with cocaine. 

 Filhas, e o Slash? Numa escala de 1 a 10, o nível de coolness deste homem ronda os 11 (num dia mau). 

And Slash too, of course! On a scale of 1 to 10, his coolness reaches up to 11 (on a bad day).

Seguiram-se um vasto número de músicos... A vast number of rockers ensued:

Mike Patton, também conhecido por Vozeirão Mais Sexy Do Planeta Terra. Tenho para mim que se passasse por ele na rua e se ele não fosse o Mike Vozeirão Sexy Patton, era paixoneta na certa. 
Mike Patton, aka Sexiest Voice In The Whole Wide World. Pretty sure I'd still fancy him even if he wasn't Mike Sexy Voice Patton.

Também tive uma cena com gajos grandes e aparentemente mal-humorados (só aparentemente - e isto é importante!). Aqui o Danzig é claramente mal-humorado (pelo menos aparentemente, como a foto demonstra tão eficazmente), mas constou-me que é baixote. Como isto é tudo platonico, não interessa que seja pequenino. Olhem só para ele a fazer beicinho!! Não apetece ir lá animar o menino??
I had a bit of a phase with big, moody, pouty blokes. Glenn Danzig sure is moody and pouty, but I hear he's a shorty. It's all platonic, so it doesn't matter. Look at his cute pouty face. Doesn't it make you want to cheer him up a bit?

Mas a minha cena não é só malta do rock, não senhor! Eu tenho uma ampla gama de categorias! Uma delas é gays. Quando vi o 'A Single Man' do Tom Ford percebi que existe um género de beleza que é exclusivo aos gays. E os homens gays desse género, de tão lindos e perfeitos que são, só gostam uns dos outros. 
 But rockers isn't all I was into; I've always had a whole range of categories! One of them was - wait for it - gay men. Watching Tom Ford's "A Single Man" made me think there is a specific kind of beauty, or a level of beauty of sorts, that is reserved for gay men. And those gay men are so, so beautiful and perfect that they only like each other.

 

Olhaide só o Rufus! É tão bonitinho. Cabelo perfeito, cara perfeito, já para não falar num talento infinito. 

Rufus Wainwright is such pretty boy. Just look at his perfect hair, his perfect face... plus his talent is endless. I love you, Rufus!! 

E pronto, para acabar, deixei o melhor para o fim: 

And, last but not least, an older guy. And trust me, I was saving the best for last - my biggest crush of all iiiiiis.... *drumroll*:

O Jon Hamm é perfeito. Ele tem aqueles olhos e aquele cabelo e aquela cara e é um sacana de um gato com G maiúsculo. Não costumo achar graça a homens quarentões, mas pelo Jonny eu abro uma excepção, que ele merece. Até já tive um sonho maluco como a personagem dele em Mad Men, o Don Draper!
Jon "Yummy" Hamm. He is perfect. He has dreamy eyes and beautiful hair and a perfect face and and and he is totally schmexy. I can't say whether a man is attractive of not when their in their 40s (sounds to close to my father's age, which creeps me out), but gorgeous Hamm has made me question this golden rule. I even had one of "those" dreams with his Mad Men character, Don Draper! 

So here he is, Don Draper, the perfect recipe of tall, dark and handsome.

Mas acreditem, isto é só o vértice do meu iceberg de paixonetas. Em tudo o que é filme, série, livro, banda, TUDO! eu encontro uma personagem para acrescentar à minha longa lista. É certo que é uma lista cheira de paixonetas abstractas e inúteis, cujo único sentido é inspirar a minha imaginação (e até os sonhos!). Há que reconhecer, contudo, o valor deste exercício, que permitiu observar o enorme progresso que fiz entre o Kinder Boy e o Mr. Draper!
But believe me, this is just the tip of the crush iceberg. Every film I watch, every book I read (yes, I'm into fictional characters too!), every tv series, every band I see - every single day my list grows longer. It's a list full of crushes that mean nothing; they are useless, platonic obsessions whose only purpose it to entertain my imagination (and dreams sometimes!). I have to say, though, this has been an interesting exercise; I think you'll agree I've gone a bloody long way from Kinder Boy to Don Draper, no?

When bad music happens to good people

I sometimes find myself loving really bad music. Before we take this any further, let me just say in my defense that I do think I've managed to build a relatively sold musical background; I grew up with proper rock classics like Led Zep, Sabbath, tried a bit of everything metal, moved on to more alternative stuff and have always been a sucker for rich, expressive bass lines and refined melodies. Although somewhat erratic, I do think I've managed to acquire a musical taste. Yet, every now and then I hear something on the car radio, on tv, at a party and it's like I don't know any better.

My latest bad music obsession is old news, I know; I first heard this at a party I went to recently and - boom! - I was hooked. It's the bass, the sexy pace... don't give a rat's arse about Ciara and I wish Justin Timberlake wasn't singing on it, but the music itself is pretty darn schmexy. Bump-bump-bump-bumpbumpbump-bump:

Another one - bloody Shakira, can you believe it?! Truth is, I can't resist this leotard/fab Balmain sandals/sexy dancing/seventies's orchestration combo - in fact all this makes me ignore how bad her voice is. Awoooo!!!

But why stop there, right? You might think I'm a gay man hidden in a young woman's body after I tell you about this one, but I don't care - I'm coming out of the bad music closed and you can't stop me!! I've know every. single. bloody.word. of Shania Twain's That Don't Impress Me Much since I was a teen. Loved this from the first moment I watched the video on MTV, and never stopped loving it. So tacky, I know, but so empowering. Knock back a few tequila shots and tell me you don't want to strip naked on top of a bar table while this one's on. No? Well, maybe it's just me then. (Fine.)

So, I was a student in the UK once. Yep. Jolly good times. That's my explanation for my irrational obssession with this horrible, horrible song, which I sang countless times at the top of my lungs at probably every single bar/pub/club in my tiny student town in the north of England. It's just that it has such momentum!!! Da-da-da!! Da-da-da!! 

Now that I think about it, I may as well blame Britain and their conniving music producers who come up with this horribly catchy stuff:

Aaaand, just to finish,  let me just share the last of my selection of musical guilty pleasures. For this one I don't think I even have an explanation. Although maybe its the bass? The Jamaican thing? Hell, who knows. I bloody love it - you may laugh at me all you want.